understand
by ratmother
Summary: Short re-telling of the stargazing scene in 3.0. Shinji wonders a great deal of things about Kaworu Nagisa and why he understands so well, and carries himself so beautifully. Where Asuka is shards of ice, Kaworu is water. Completed.


"The vastness of the universe...somehow, it calms me down."

You laughed a little, nervously.

"Haha, sorry, I'm not very good at explaining..."

"It's all right. Your feelings came through."

Kaworu looks you straight in the eyes. His face is gentle and sincere. He is so unlike yourself, all pent-up feelings and emotions that you can't get out and awkwardness and worry; and so unlike Asuka, who is all sharp angles and abrasiveness and blunt comments and a strangely sharp kind of beauty. He's like one of the perfectly round white stones on the shore. Nothing about him grazes or grates. If Asuka is shards of ice then he is water.

Kaworu seems to be waiting for you to say something. Or perhaps he isn't; it's so hard to tell with him because he is so content with silence. Nothing is awkward or tense when you're near him because for him, just being in eachother's presence is enough, and words aren't necessary, even though he has a way with words you've never seen in anyone else before.

And so you choose to stay quiet for a little longer.

The pair of you resume looking at the stars shine and twinkle like glitter.

"This is fun," Kaworu says gently. "I'm glad you suggested this, Shinji."

"Oh, ahah, yes, I...I thought something like this might have appealed to you."

His eyes crinkle up and he smiles at you. Sometimes, when he smiles like that, the way his eyes scrunch up make him look a little like he's about to cry. You wonder if that's just the way his face was built, or if that really is how he feels. The smiles he give you have so much warmth in them that it seems impossible for someone like him to ever feel sadness or pain. You have never seen him worried or concerned.

"Thank you, Shinji."

You glance over at him.

He's shifted his position so he's on his side. He's not looking at the stars anymore, he's only looking at you. His smile is still there but it's so gentle, like nothing more than a trace of happiness held in the tiniest corners of his mouth, cupped like water in someone's hands.

You stare at his face and take it in in that moment. Everything he does and the way he carries himself is so graceful. You wonder if that body had belonged to anyone else, would it still have the same mechanisms as it does now. His limbs and neck are long and his skin is pale, so pale that the slightest sunlight would probably burn it like paper. His eyes seem to droop a little, and you wonder if he ever had times where he didn't move so gracefully, if he ever had difficulty co-ordinating himself and his long thin bones, if he was clumsy or couldn't make his long pianist's fingers move the way he wanted them to. It seems hard to imagine like that. He seems so detached and inhuman, and the way he carries himself in everything he does he does it so well, it almost seems like he must have been practicing for years. And yet it's hard to think of someone like him trying. You wonder if all his grace comes naturally to him.

You wonder if he can see all these thoughts about him flashing through your eyes.

He tilts his head to the side a little.

"Shinji, did you know that a person's eyes twinkle when they are rapt in something they are passionate about?"

His musing snaps you out of your thoughts.

"A-ah, no...I thought that was just some kind of romanticised description only in books."

And yet looking at him, you wouldn't be surprised if he had come straight out of a romanticised book.

You think briefly about what he said, and your mind flashes back to the first time you talked to him. You think about when he sat down next to you on the piano stool and the way his face looked when his hands suddenly hit the keys next to yours.

He looks at you again with his piercing red gaze that seems so understanding of everything.

"Your eyes are twinkling like stars."

You stare at him. You wonder if he was born to understand you.

Everything he does seems like it was catered to exactly what you needed.

He's like an oasis in a desert, or a medicine when you are bedridden sick, or peace when you are on your deathbed.

His eyes are deeper and more vast than the endless sea of LCL. You feel a strange pang of some emotion you can't name, as your mind flashes back to when Kaworu talked of your love for vastness, for emptiness-

And yet Kaworu Nagisa is anything but empty.

You can't hold yourself in.

You push yourself off and crash into him, one hand knocking him back to the floor so he's lying down, his gaze straight up, at you and the stars behind you. You're panting as your fingers deepen their clutch into the fabric covering his shoulders, and even now his expression doesn't change. He's still looking up at you with that understanding gaze. You feel like he knows what it is you crave.

You would be embarassed if this were any other time and any other person, but right now, you don't care. You lean down and kiss him hard.

His pale hands slowly move up and press into your hair gently.

You pull away in an instant. All of your feelings are conflicted.

You stare at him, still panting. He's looking at you, his hands falling back down to his sides. His eyes look a little sad, or confused, you can't tell which. He casts his gaze downwards, breaking eye contact with you.

"I'm sorry," he murmurs. "I...don't really...know what you want me to do."

He seems a lot like Rei in that moment, and yet his eyes are sadder and more sincere. He seems apologetic. Like he's genuinely upset that for once, he doesn't understand.

You realise he's not human. There's no way someone like Kaworu could be human. You realised that a long time ago.

You wonder if he understands these concepts at all.

He knows so much, about the stars, and music, and you.

But you stare at him, panting, and you ask yourself, could Kaworu Nagisa ever have felt something so basic, so human, as this?

This is the first time he has seemed lost.

You want to repay him. You want to give him back all the life he's breathed into you and all the happiness he gave you, everything he taught you.

"It's okay," you breathe. "Just...just, do what feels right to you...instead of...thinking about what I want you to do all the time."

He looks at you for a few moments longer, before taking the sides of your face in his hands and pulling you down to him. Your lips meet again.


End file.
